Wednesday, April 04, 2012

eye on the prize

"i wish i could explain what its like to feel the anxiety i do.  i wish i had words to describe what my mind and my body do. i wish i could explain how it creates intense self-loathing after the fact, that only makes matters worse. i wish that i could explain to my two year old why we have to leave somewhere. and why im crying when we do. 

but most of all ... i wish i could just make it not happen at all."

i wrote the above last thursday.  it was not a good day for me.  i have good days and bad days when it comes to this particular struggle.
this one was especially bad.  and i fell into a deep "self-loathing" period.

i go through this feeling of hatred.  i hate myself for allowing my emotions get the better of me. i hate that i cant just "get over it".  i hate myself for embarrassing myself. and i know that when i get like this, LBJs energy feeds off it. and he acts a triflin fool (haha! did i just write that?!).  i have said it before, and i know it is true. we feed off each other in that way.  and then i get embarrassed and sad that he becomes unbearable too. i just hate myself for it all.

the one good thing about me when this happens, is i retaliate by cleaning.  deep cleaning.  i took a toothbrush to my baseboards on friday morning.  i spent most of the day on my knees, crying.  LBJ was good enough to spend most of the day out in the backyard enjoying spring.  and i scrubbed and scrubbed.

and then i prayed.

it just so happened that this past weekend was our church's general conference.  i am a huge fan.
one - it means our semi-yearly tradition of big fatty sub sandwiches.
and two - it means uplifting messages from the leaders of our church.

elder holland gave a talk on envy and forgiveness (both which happen to be issues i have. thankyouverymuch.)
but he said this:

"...let the distress of earlier hours, real or imagined, fall away in the abundance of the final reward. don't dwell on old issues and grievances. not toward yourself, nor your neighbor, nor even, i might add, to this true and living church ... don't hyperventilate about something that happened at 9 o'clock in the morning. when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6 in the evening."

for me it was an answer.  it was the message to forgive myself.  i already "know" this.  but, who doesnt like a reminder?  this is my struggle.  but i can work through it, forgive myself and move on to bigger and better things. keeping my eye on the prize, as they say.  

1 comment:

Kaitlynn Bluth said...

I loved this talk too. :) Answers to prayers are a wonderful thing.