hairy chests

today i picked lbj up from school with two friends.  we moved out of our old neighborhood, so "playdates" need to be arranged.  luckily, we happened to arrange one yesterday.  

i let lbj skip chess today (!) so he could play with some of his old friends.  

while we were in the car driving back to the house, i was listening to these three boys in the backseat and it made me smile.  sometimes i feel like time is moving too fast, and im having conversations i didnt think i was ready to have.  and i think that in general kids are just growing up faster than when i was a kid.  (maybe thats true. maybe its not)

but today ... they were just little kids. laughing so hard i thought my stomach hurt for them.  they were saying that old line: 

"first is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy, hairy chest!" 

they pointed at each other and laughed as they said it.  and "hairy chest" starts talking about how hes a man because he has a hairy, hairy chest.  when "first the worst" says something about his hairy chest, the kid adamantly replies "its hairy, HAIRY"  ... c'mon don't forget that second hairy, it obviously means something. 

i was anticipating some kind of hurt feelings from "first the worst", but none were had.  they were just so delightfully laughing at hairy chests that nothing else mattered.  who cares what xbox game we are playing.  who cares how long it takes to get to lbjs house from the old neighborhood.  who cares...

its a good day when all that matters, is how awesome your hairy chest is.  

firsts

so much has happened since i last blogged.

but theres no use in trying to catch you up on four and half years of stuff.  so we are all just going to move forward as if i never stopped writing, and youll just need to fill in the blanks and catch up.

one thing i ought to mention is we moved to arizona.

nathans dad got really sick a few years ago - and we came down to be with him and the family.  dan recovered from that (which was surprising to us all) and hung on for another few years.  but eventually the "big c" got him, and it wasnt easy or pretty at the end.
f cancer (and if i were speaking ... not writing - id drop that f bomb so hard.) hes been gone since the end of february.  now we are heading into the holidays.  the first holidays without him.

its pretty much what you would imagine if you havent yet experienced this kind of loss.  it sucks. hard.  everything you do, you think, "dan would've ...." and insert any memory, thought, feeling you have about him.  and then start tearing up. 

death is hard.  and i dont have any good thoughts or funny ways out of it.  it just is.

so ... 

heres to getting through these holidays

to getting through all these "firsts"

and hoping that it gets better next year. 

back to blogging?

recently i have been thinking quite a lot about writing again.
not for you ... random person who happened upon this blog (because there is 100% no way that there is anyone who still checks to see if i update this after four and half years) ...
but for me.
one) i like writing
two) sometimes im funny
and three) things are happening.  and i will forget them.  as much as i think i will remember that funny thing lbj said, that meaningful moment, or how i feel "right now" ... i wont.

so - i could be back.  

or not

we will see

boo yah!

do you know ive been off facebook for over a year?!

since january of last  year.

i did not come to my blog as much as i thought i would to share nuggets of wisdom 

(or whatever it was that i promised).

i havent really even turned to google+ or twitter as much as i thought i would. 

i post on each of those sites on occasion.

im mostly on twitter to follow semi-famous people 

(like the guys from top gear and duck dynasty)

and im mostly on google+ to pretend im a photographer 

(who never takes photos anymore)

im out of the fb drama.  and for me  -  thats exactly what it turned out to be.

it makes me lighter.  

(whatever the heck that means!)

im happy i made the decision. 

(uhm.  i like that i talk about this like it was some crazy A decision that was basically life or death) 

but, to all of you who thought i couldnt do it ...

in yo' face!!!

less than 5% of the time

want to know what less than 5% of the time means to me?

well it means that when you spend 84 hours at a cabin, and you have running water for maybe 4 hours.

it means not showering for days.  

and it means melting snow so you can flush the toilet.

if its yellow let it mellow. if its brown flush it down.

(thanks astrocamp for that friendly reminder)

it means using bottled water so nashdee doesnt get all dehydrated on me. 

it means bringing home loads of laundry.  towels, sheets, long johns.

that i may or may not still be folding.

i realized that when i was doing the dishes with melted snow water - that dang!  i use a lot of water.  perhaps this should teach me about conservation.  

i pride myself on my short showers. i remember in 4th grade learning about taking 5 minute showers.  which i did.  till i was a teenager who had a bench in her shower. and i would frequently take a "rest" in the shower.  those were the "bad" years.  now im back to short showers. 

but washing dishes? flushing toilets? cooking? cleaning? heaven help me, im using a lot of water.

and thats the lesson i got out of 4 days at the cabin.

conserve water. or be forced to melt snow.  

tiger mom

remember all that controversy about the tiger mother? i remember sympathizing just a little bit - we all want what is best for our kids. 

i know what it is like to have a lot expected of me. and what it is like to want to deliver on those expectations. 

i always joke that had i just not tried particularly hard in elementary school, i wouldn't have had to work so hard come high school and college. (and then feel like such a failure because i just didn't want to be there, but that's another story) 

i think that for some of us - those types of expectations are just "there". i find that i expect a lot from lbj - perhaps as a result of my upbringing, and subsequent self-inflicted expectations - 

the tiger mother herself, in her defense said: “We parents, including me, are all so anxious about whether we're doing the right thing. You can never know the results. It's this latent anxiety." 

i feel that anxiety. constantly. i never know if i'm living up to "expectations" as a mother. and this morning - lbj got his first "report card". the card was filled with items they work on: colors, numbers, letters. 

he was able to score - always, most of the time, with encouragement, not at all, or n/a. 

he scored "not at all" in categories like subtracting and adding. numbers were not something i was focusing on before now. we really worked on letters and reading. 

but then in social situations - like "communicating with peers" he got "with encouragement". he scored this way in almost all of the social categories. 

when i read the report card, i found myself getting angry. i kid you not. for real, for serious, angry. why wont he just do as he is told?! listen to his teachers and the other kids. just sit down, shut your mouth, and listen.

that's what i was thinking at least. 

but, as i am trying to practice "positive" parenting, i took a deep breath and just that the teachers sent me a note today, and it says that lbj needs to work on listening. "i know mom" was the response. followed by, "a note that says im a bad boy?" 

that broke my heart. because i know that it is i who has said "bad boy", and who has let lbj think such a thing. lbj is a good boy, and i want him to try hard and do his best. but i do not want to instill some crazy "you must be the best" complex in him. 

i think that this will be hard. my initial gut reaction is that you ought to do something, and do it right. but, for heavens sake, i must remember this boy is 3. and that he has so much ahead of him. to use such a strong hand, and require perfection, i think will only create some serious self worth issues down the road. 

the first step was realizing how quickly i was able to find fault. i hope that i can remember this. and remember to not act on those feelings.  i hope that as lbj grows i will be able to know the difference between his best and the best.  i hope that i wont put too much stock into a piece of paper. and that i can teach lbj to do the same - to teach him his worth is beyond something that can be check marked on a report card. 

the concept of time

lbj just doesnt get time. 

just now i said: 5 minutes til nap time!

and he said "okay"

two second later, after obviously thinking about it, said:  "no!  one minute til bed time"

okay dude.  i can handle that.