hairy chests

today i picked lbj up from school with two friends.  we moved out of our old neighborhood, so "playdates" need to be arranged.  luckily, we happened to arrange one yesterday.  

i let lbj skip chess today (!) so he could play with some of his old friends.  

while we were in the car driving back to the house, i was listening to these three boys in the backseat and it made me smile.  sometimes i feel like time is moving too fast, and im having conversations i didnt think i was ready to have.  and i think that in general kids are just growing up faster than when i was a kid.  (maybe thats true. maybe its not)

but today ... they were just little kids. laughing so hard i thought my stomach hurt for them.  they were saying that old line: 

"first is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy, hairy chest!" 

they pointed at each other and laughed as they said it.  and "hairy chest" starts talking about how hes a man because he has a hairy, hairy chest.  when "first the worst" says something about his hairy chest, the kid adamantly replies "its hairy, HAIRY"  ... c'mon don't forget that second hairy, it obviously means something. 

i was anticipating some kind of hurt feelings from "first the worst", but none were had.  they were just so delightfully laughing at hairy chests that nothing else mattered.  who cares what xbox game we are playing.  who cares how long it takes to get to lbjs house from the old neighborhood.  who cares...

its a good day when all that matters, is how awesome your hairy chest is.  

firsts

so much has happened since i last blogged.

but theres no use in trying to catch you up on four and half years of stuff.  so we are all just going to move forward as if i never stopped writing, and youll just need to fill in the blanks and catch up.

one thing i ought to mention is we moved to arizona.

nathans dad got really sick a few years ago - and we came down to be with him and the family.  dan recovered from that (which was surprising to us all) and hung on for another few years.  but eventually the "big c" got him, and it wasnt easy or pretty at the end.
f cancer (and if i were speaking ... not writing - id drop that f bomb so hard.) hes been gone since the end of february.  now we are heading into the holidays.  the first holidays without him.

its pretty much what you would imagine if you havent yet experienced this kind of loss.  it sucks. hard.  everything you do, you think, "dan would've ...." and insert any memory, thought, feeling you have about him.  and then start tearing up. 

death is hard.  and i dont have any good thoughts or funny ways out of it.  it just is.

so ... 

heres to getting through these holidays

to getting through all these "firsts"

and hoping that it gets better next year. 

back to blogging?

recently i have been thinking quite a lot about writing again.
not for you ... random person who happened upon this blog (because there is 100% no way that there is anyone who still checks to see if i update this after four and half years) ...
but for me.
one) i like writing
two) sometimes im funny
and three) things are happening.  and i will forget them.  as much as i think i will remember that funny thing lbj said, that meaningful moment, or how i feel "right now" ... i wont.

so - i could be back.  

or not

we will see

boo yah!

do you know ive been off facebook for over a year?!

since january of last  year.

i did not come to my blog as much as i thought i would to share nuggets of wisdom 

(or whatever it was that i promised).

i havent really even turned to google+ or twitter as much as i thought i would. 

i post on each of those sites on occasion.

im mostly on twitter to follow semi-famous people 

(like the guys from top gear and duck dynasty)

and im mostly on google+ to pretend im a photographer 

(who never takes photos anymore)

im out of the fb drama.  and for me  -  thats exactly what it turned out to be.

it makes me lighter.  

(whatever the heck that means!)

im happy i made the decision. 

(uhm.  i like that i talk about this like it was some crazy A decision that was basically life or death) 

but, to all of you who thought i couldnt do it ...

in yo' face!!!

less than 5% of the time

want to know what less than 5% of the time means to me?

well it means that when you spend 84 hours at a cabin, and you have running water for maybe 4 hours.

it means not showering for days.  

and it means melting snow so you can flush the toilet.

if its yellow let it mellow. if its brown flush it down.

(thanks astrocamp for that friendly reminder)

it means using bottled water so nashdee doesnt get all dehydrated on me. 

it means bringing home loads of laundry.  towels, sheets, long johns.

that i may or may not still be folding.

i realized that when i was doing the dishes with melted snow water - that dang!  i use a lot of water.  perhaps this should teach me about conservation.  

i pride myself on my short showers. i remember in 4th grade learning about taking 5 minute showers.  which i did.  till i was a teenager who had a bench in her shower. and i would frequently take a "rest" in the shower.  those were the "bad" years.  now im back to short showers. 

but washing dishes? flushing toilets? cooking? cleaning? heaven help me, im using a lot of water.

and thats the lesson i got out of 4 days at the cabin.

conserve water. or be forced to melt snow.  

tiger mom

remember all that controversy about the tiger mother? i remember sympathizing just a little bit - we all want what is best for our kids. 

i know what it is like to have a lot expected of me. and what it is like to want to deliver on those expectations. 

i always joke that had i just not tried particularly hard in elementary school, i wouldn't have had to work so hard come high school and college. (and then feel like such a failure because i just didn't want to be there, but that's another story) 

i think that for some of us - those types of expectations are just "there". i find that i expect a lot from lbj - perhaps as a result of my upbringing, and subsequent self-inflicted expectations - 

the tiger mother herself, in her defense said: “We parents, including me, are all so anxious about whether we're doing the right thing. You can never know the results. It's this latent anxiety." 

i feel that anxiety. constantly. i never know if i'm living up to "expectations" as a mother. and this morning - lbj got his first "report card". the card was filled with items they work on: colors, numbers, letters. 

he was able to score - always, most of the time, with encouragement, not at all, or n/a. 

he scored "not at all" in categories like subtracting and adding. numbers were not something i was focusing on before now. we really worked on letters and reading. 

but then in social situations - like "communicating with peers" he got "with encouragement". he scored this way in almost all of the social categories. 

when i read the report card, i found myself getting angry. i kid you not. for real, for serious, angry. why wont he just do as he is told?! listen to his teachers and the other kids. just sit down, shut your mouth, and listen.

that's what i was thinking at least. 

but, as i am trying to practice "positive" parenting, i took a deep breath and just that the teachers sent me a note today, and it says that lbj needs to work on listening. "i know mom" was the response. followed by, "a note that says im a bad boy?" 

that broke my heart. because i know that it is i who has said "bad boy", and who has let lbj think such a thing. lbj is a good boy, and i want him to try hard and do his best. but i do not want to instill some crazy "you must be the best" complex in him. 

i think that this will be hard. my initial gut reaction is that you ought to do something, and do it right. but, for heavens sake, i must remember this boy is 3. and that he has so much ahead of him. to use such a strong hand, and require perfection, i think will only create some serious self worth issues down the road. 

the first step was realizing how quickly i was able to find fault. i hope that i can remember this. and remember to not act on those feelings.  i hope that as lbj grows i will be able to know the difference between his best and the best.  i hope that i wont put too much stock into a piece of paper. and that i can teach lbj to do the same - to teach him his worth is beyond something that can be check marked on a report card. 

the concept of time

lbj just doesnt get time. 

just now i said: 5 minutes til nap time!

and he said "okay"

two second later, after obviously thinking about it, said:  "no!  one minute til bed time"

okay dude.  i can handle that. 

missing ire

look here ... 

if anyone knows a way that i can just be so rich i can do anything i want ...

well, let me know a s a please (duck dynasty anyone?)

im just saying if i could do anything right now.  i would move back to ireland.  just pick up and go.  travel ... relax ... travel.

so. just putting it out there - if you  have a way for me to get there, just hit me up!

catch up

oh the dreaded catch-up.

you know a lot happens in four months. 

we took marlene to disneyland.

and she went to homecoming.  well i mean they didnt actually go TO the dance and DANCE at the dance.  but they had a party bus, and she wore a dress, and they went to dinner and show. sooooo...apparently thats what "going to homecoming" means these days.  

we took marlene to the grand canyon, salt lake city, los angeles. 

then we had thanksgiving with my family.  and christmas with the dees.  

another trip to brianhead to ring in the new year.

and a final trip - to san francisco. 

after that - marlene had to go home to germany. and we were sad. we still are.  we miss her mucho.

and i think thats how you sum up 4 intense crazy months into 10 sentences or less.

here is to blogging more often! 

as always ... 

mom stuff

being a mom is hard. 

its probably not as hard for you.  why?  no idea.  i just think that.  i think that i cannot figure out what im doing every single day.  and that probably youre at home baking cookies, making arts and crafts, while the floor is shining and mopped.  and ps your kids can probably read.  and youre probably "pinning" all about it on pintrest. 

me?  oh. well you know.  totally flailing about.  lost at sea.  lbj hates to listen.  is as stubborn as a mule.  and i cannot fathom a guess at where he got it ... because its too hard to tell.  is it the dee "i hate authority" stubborn.  or just the derosa, "im stuborrn and i like it" variety.  

i cant tell you.

what i can tell you is that if you are struggling. ever.  on any day.  i can virtually guarantee you that i am too.  

like this morning, when lbj woke up he was crying.  why?  because he went to bed crying last night and thought it was THE SAME DAY!  literally woke up crying and apologizing for why he had to go to bed early last night, as if it were only 5 minutes later.  

so, take note - lady at walmart who scolded lbj for crying in line yesterday - i have no earthly idea what im doing.  but im trying my best.  

and if youre having one of those days too, just know, i feel ya, sistah!

also.  just as a side note there are good things that happen.  

like last week, when lbj got up from his nap. he snuggled on the couch with me. he laid his head on my chest, and then looked up into my eyes.  and with the sweetest expression said, "mommy.  i like your private parts"

seriously classic ladies and gents. 

shopping

last weekend we took marlene homecoming dress shopping.

it was very fun.  and the truth is, the girl is an easy shopper.  we only went to two stores and tried on maybe - maybe - 15 dresses.  and i dont know about you, but that did not seem like too much at all.  she quickly narrowed her choices down to two.  and so of course, we went to lunch to discuss.  after lunch we bought some jewelry and then headed back to try on the dresses again.

and then she made a decision...i think she picked a great dress. and i am so happy that i got to go with her and see her get excited for the dance. 

nathan and i were talking about it later - and we just said how much we enjoyed the experience. because the likelihood of us having that experience ever again is pretty slim.  as nathan said, "uhh. im not going to go tux renting with lbj".  it made me think about all the things that we will miss out on by virtue of having a son.

but, having lbj also means having a boy around the house full time to capture any bugs that might appear.

and having a boy means a lot of quality lego building.  and as he gets older, i am sure that i will appreciate the things that i get to with lbj, the boy, that i wouldnt get to necessarily do with a girl.  

as far as the homecoming dress goes - dont worry, we also picked out two - TWO - pairs of shoes that marlene can choose from on the night of the dance.  and i will be sure to snap an annoyingly amount of pictures.  (because im already crying as i write that sentence, let alone how emotional ill be when she goes off to her first dance)  (yes, i know im not her mum) (but i just love the girl!)

in other news ..

my dishes are not coming clean.  in fact we've been having this problem for a few years.  we even bought a new dishwasher a while back because i was getting frustrated.

and this morning it just came to a head.  so i started reading up on it and read that dishwasher soap is phosphate free, and makes them less effective.

so i ordered some bubble bandit.  with phosphates.

and im REALLY excited for it to arrive so i can try it. 

yes...i am just that dorky.  

but in the 5 weeks since marlene has been here, we have eaten out maybe 2 or 3 times for dinner.  i am making dinner basically every night.  im on freakin fire!  and i need to have clean dishes.  so .. i will let you know how it goes next week.  

because i know you care!

and then they grow up

i dont think it ever occurred to us, as we planned to have marlene come and live with us, the difficulties that would arise from her just being a teenager.

and teenagers like to hang out with other teenagers.

we knew this of course.  and we knew she would want to go out with her friends and hang out and have fun. i dont think that we thought it would happen so fast.  as i mentioned before, marlene has quickly made friends here in vegas.  and that is awesome.

what we didnt know was how protective we would feel, almost immediately.  like most other people who have met her, we really like marlene.  and we want her to have fun. but we also want her to be safe.

we have a responsibility as her host parents to make sure she is safe.  and in addition, we have a responsibility to her parents back home that she stays safe.  

and suddenly ... every maternal instinct that i thought id never have kicked into full gear.  and someone i never met before, namely "Dad Nathan", emerged.  what happened to us?  we are too young to be weirdos! oh, but we are.

we want to know who marlene is hanging out with.  where she is.  what time she will be home.  you know, all those things my mum, and your mum, wanted to know.  back when we thought our parents were SUPER annoying.  

luckily, marlene is a sweet girl, and understands our concerns (or at least smiles to my face when she says so).  so, yesterday i met some of her friends. and tonight she is out with them to a centennial football game.  "our" little girl of four weeks is grown up and out with her friends. 

probably having a way better time than me and nathan.  because ... 

we grew up too. and we are our parents. old. and lame. in front of the tele.

all about marlene

the last three weeks have been so awesome.  and so busy!  

i have much to blog about - we have gone up to the cabin in utah, headed out to the movies, and to a volleyball game at unlv.  we went down to the strip. we had the new student orientation for all the exchange student.  and meanwhile, school has started, marelene has been very lucky to make some good friends already, and has been out and about doing activities with friends and with the church youth group. 

thats three weeks in a nutshell.  but i want to be able to get into the habit of writing down things that are going on, but also how everyone is "feeling".  

so far, nathan and i are loving having marlene with us.  she is a super sweet girl and very very fun.  we have a good time together even when we are just sitting on the couch watching tele together.

one of the things we were most nervous about, logistically, was what do we do at night.  when lbj goes to bed, nathan and i just "veg out" on the couch and watch mythbusters, top gear or some other goofy show.  we wondered whether marlene would want to watch tv with us.  if it would be weird.  would she get bored?

but as it turns out, she has a few american shows she likes to watch already (how i met your mother) and has come to like a few other shows that are new to her (craft wars and face/off).  so nights arent nearly as awkward as we thought they might have been.  plus, lets be honest.  shes a teenager, and as soon as dinner is over she spends most of the time texting her new american friends.  :o)

another thing we've learned about marlene is that she is very honest girl.  if she doesnt feel like playing a game, she will tell us.  i appreciate so much that i generally know what she is thinking because she just tells me so. 

in fact, on the subject of talking. she is very open and communicative.  when we sit down to dinner and ask her how her day was, she starts by saying "yes. well i went to my first class photography and we ..."  i am so happy to have someone in our home who loves to talk and tell us about things that are going on.  and i hope that when lbj is older he will be similarly open and talkative (based on his current amount of speaking, i dont think we will have a problem in that area).  

she has let us know who she is making friends with and tells us all the funny and interesting things that happen at school.  when i was a kid, this is how our dinners went, as well. so for me this is awesome (but normal).  nathan did not have exactly the same type of communication - but that might be the difference between a house of boys and a house of girls!

i love marlenes sense of humor.  she has quickly learned how nathan likes to joke around, and we just seem to have a lot of fun together.  she especially likes to see people freak out.  we watch pranks on you tube together sometimes.  or nathan likes to scare me in the car by being crazy.  and the three of them (lbj, marlene and nathan) get a good laugh out my outbursts.  she can also laugh at herself - just last night she fell straight off the couch while reaching for a cookie.  and im just saying, it was pretty funny.  we all laughed. and then nathan posted about it on FB, and she still laughed.  

speaking of cookies - the girl loves her sweets!  we've been having cookies on a pretty regular basis these days, as well as some yogurt land.  in addition, i see her swipe marshmallows from time to time. and when we went to the movies, she opted for kettle corn, not butter popcorn!  

marlene likes to play board games with us (win for me!) and she likes romantic movies (win for me!) and  so nathan, being the awesome host dad that he is has been doing things that are out of his comfort zone (win again!).

for me - having marlene with us has made me get up earlier in the day (win??).  i get more done around the house (win!) and am doing a pretty good job of making home made dinners for us to eat (win!).

these are just a few of things that we love about marlene and what having her here means to us.  but mostly i just know that we all seem to be very happy. and we couldnt have gotten a better girl to come and live with us!

her bedroom

it was really important to me, once we knew we were going to have an exchange student live with us, that we do something special for her room.  i want marlene to feel comfortable here, like it is her very own home.  and i want her to have a space to go to when she just needs some time away from us crazy americans! 

i emailed her mum, and asked what marlenes favorite colors are so i could make sure to get some bedding and things that would fit her style.  its a good thing i did, because what i had originally had in mind for the room would have been awesome for ME at 15, but not at all what marlenes mum described.

so off to craigslist i went to find some pieces.  and with the help of my friend katie, we refinished some pieces and got the room going.  

(fyi ... i made that lamp out of an old easter basket...what what!)

hopefully marlene will enjoy her new room with us!  

our first meeting

remember that one time, about three years ago, i begged and begged nathan to let a foreign exchange student  come and stay with us? 

well ... i finally wore him down!

her name is marlene (pronounced marlena), and we are very excited.  but first i want to write down for the ages our first contact with this sweet 14 year old girl.

it was my annual july 4th weekend festivities with the dc girls - and this year we were actually celebrating the upcoming wedding of our friend renni.  the week before nathan and i had received marlenes packet of information, and decided that on monday we would send her and her family a little introductory email.  nathan had already typed it up, and was ready to hit send, come monday morning.

i went out on thursday night and had a great time.  i went out on friday night, and had yet another good time.  come saturday night, it was time for the "real" bachlorette party to begin (because thursday and friday were just practice runs).  we had a pre-party in jojo's room, complete with a panties game, and then headed out for some dinner.  and then of course, it was time for dancing.  my favorite part of the weekend!  please give me 10 cokes, and then set me on the dance floor around 1 am and see what happens :o)!

fast forward to 6 am and the sun rising.  where am i? oh, just in cab on the way back to the hotel where my car is parked.  SIX IN THE MORNING!  i get home at 630 or so, get into bed and fall asleep near 7 am.  

cue ringing phone at 8 am.

nathan answers and its marlene, "hi. this is your exchange student. marlene.  do you want to skype?"

what!?  let me just say i had worn some red RED lipstick stain the night before.  it was still on, and "stained". i had smokey eye all OVER my face.  suffice it to say, i looked like once messed up prosti.  (thats what we call prostitutes.)

of course, the only thing i want to do at that moment is get on the computer with my 14 year old exchange student and her mother. why not? 

i told her we were in our pjs and give us a few.  so i jumped in the shower trying to wake myself up.  cleaned off the smokey eye, and as much of the lip stain as possible.  

we both put on "nice" shirts. but left our pj bottoms on. and hopped on skype. 

it was a great conversation. and she seems like a really sweet and nice girl.  hopefully, my lack of sleep and prosti face didnt make her scared to come to las vegas.  really.  this is not how i normally "live" in vegas.  no. really.  i swear.  and to marlenes mum, i promise i wont let marlene stay out till 6 am with prosti face either.  

You Know You Go To Disneyland A Lot ..

when LBJ knows the whole first verse of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride song. 

He just busted it out today while eating lunch.  so - i made him do it again on camera for me. 

Since his ability to say words like "pillage" "plunder" and "ravage" has yet to be fully honed yet, I've provided some subtitles.

I submit for your consideration:

words hurt!

i watched the new bristol palin reality show last night.  and let me tell you something that i did not like. in a clip for an upcoming episode, her son is throwing a tantrum. hes two and half - par for the course, people! she seemed to be holding him, trying to calm him down. and then he screams at her.  LBJ also screams.  we actually call it turning into the hulk now.  but thats another story.  tripp screams the statement "i hate you!".

no. no. no.  one) i dont even think LBJ knows the word hate. and two) he definitely does not know the phrase "i hate you".

that phrase is reserved for when you are a teenager and i wont let you borrow the car to go see whatever newest vampire movie is out.  and when that happens i will cry.  

im not saying that i think it is appropriate for teenagers to say they hate their parents. but, ahem.  i was a teenager and i "hated" my parents.  and i told them so.  so im pretty sure that karmas a ... you know what ... and i will hear that phrase down the road.  

bristols son only knows to say "i hate you" as a two year old, because he heard someone else say it.  it doesnt surprise me.  bristol was just a teenager ... like yesterday.  she hates her baby daddy.  and tripps been around bristols teenage siblings for a couple of years now.  so there you have it.  

it doesnt make me cringe any less.  and i think i would be horrified if LBJ told me he hated me now.

as it is, when he says "dont talk a me. im talking a daddy" it breaks my heart a little.

like i said, karmas ... rough.

ps when LBJ says "dont talk a me" i privately think he is working on his spanish and already using the personal 'a" rules

in case you didnt see it on G+ ...

guys.  why does my kid look like hes in a musical when hes running?

second story love

when i was ten, we moved to a new house - the churchill house as we call it.  i was, to put it mildly, upset about the move.  our previous home had been on a cul-de-sac, with 15 other kids just on our street. not to mention the kids who lived on the street over that we would sometimes see.  it was a veritable childrens paradise.  

the one thing that made me happy about our move was the fact that our new house had stairs!  all ten year olds want stairs.  not only that, but my second story bedroom had a window seat that looked over our new street.

even at ten, i was a romantic.  i envisioned the boys that would come to my house and throw rocks at my window.

oh the romance!

i had an imagination.  a wonderful and romantic imagination.  the boy would throw the rock. and i, sleeping in my beautiful four poster bed (yet another plus to moving into our new house), would rise and walk to my window seat.  opening the window, id play demure.  but by the end of the day dream, i was basically engaged to that rock throwing boy.

as i got older, my daydreams evolved. and that rock throwing boy would ask me to sneak out.  i had planned many ways of jumping from my second story perch to the waiting car below.  it was a convertible.  and i was going to have my hair flowing behind me as we zoomed away from my oppressive parents 
(you know the ones ... the ones who never gave me a curfew. so oppressive).  

alas.  in the eight or so years we lived in churchill, not a single rock was ever thrown at my window.  what a tragedy.

tonight, after a small disagreement, nathan had to run to the store.  as he pulled out of the driveway, he beeped his horn.  i stepped out on to our second story balcony and he professed his love for me.  

maybe its nearly 20 years later. and maybe it was a horn and not a rock that grabbed my attention.  

but it sure was romantic.

(no snide remarks tonight)