Wednesday, February 17, 2010

the most depressing post in history

since my last blog ... i have started and not finished about 5 entries.

maybe someday ill finish them.

but probably not.

i am just not feelin the blog.  its kinda sad.

but i do want to get something off my chest.  im feeling really crappy.  i know how sad.  i come back to blog about crappiness.  you should probably just stop reading.  cause this is just gonna get really really depressing. 

i just am feeling really inadequate.  mostly as a mother.  but also just in an overall way.  i cant seem to get it together.  i finally get the house clean and am on top of it - only to feel like i havent spent enough time reading books to lbj.  so, i read books to lbj just to have him crawl away from me at every page turn.  i must not be a good reader out louder (yup i just wrote that. and im not changing it. even though its totally wrong).
i spend more time on the floor rolling around with lbj. and having fun.  only to realize that the dirty towels i threw down the stairs last week are still sitting at the base of the stairs.  i read these stupid blogs and mommy forums about peoples kids that are all 8 months old.  and their kids are freakin saying words.  ridiculous.  im actually crying now.  jackson says mama.  when hes sad.  he doesnt even know what hes doing.  i cant get him to talk to me.  he just looks at me like im crazy.  he babbles on his own.  but the minute i try to chime in ... like the book say i should .. he stops talking.  he wont repeat sounds that i make.  and im pretty sure he could care less that im trying so hard. meanwhile - there are a lot of dishes in the sink and the carpet needs vaccuming.  also the dog crap needs to be picked up and ...o crap .. the dogs are still out back and they need water. 

ps i went to the movies alone monday afternoon. a little "me" time.  came home to nathan lying on the floor unable to get up because of back spasms.  it took us two hours to get him up.  two days later he is still out of commission and hopped up on pain killers.  the joke is - that's what i get for taking two hours to myself.

except. it doesnt feel like a joke. 

10 comments:

ChloƩ: said...

I've missed your blogs! I'm so sorry you are so down in the dumps. Don't worry... you're a GREAT mother, and a great wife. Don't stress :) Who cares about dirty towels and dishes anyways?

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

Oh let me count the ways I feel inadequate, blogger would tell me that I had exceeded the word count. I think we all go through parts that are hard. Your baby is 8 months old. I don't know any 8 months old that can talk that much. I didn't talk until way later than that. People exaggerate and lie on their blogs about their kids all the time, especially about the kids sleeping through the night. I have read on someones blog that their kid is sleeping through the night when I know that it's not true in the least bit.

Sending hugs your way!

Rob, Michelle and Luke Greer said...

Oh, I know how you feel, but the one thing I have learned about kids is they all grow at their own rate and how quickly they talk or walk is no indication of their IQ! I used to freak out cause Luke couldn't point (and the book said he should point), but he talks a bunch now, more than all those kids that could point. I love reading your blog! And even the "crappy" posts help me realize that I don't have to have everything together because that is not what matters!

Rob, Michelle and Luke Greer said...

Oh, I know how you feel, but the one thing I have learned about kids is they all grow at their own rate and how quickly they talk or walk is no indication of their IQ! I used to freak out cause Luke couldn't point (and the book said he should point), but he talks a bunch now, more than all those kids that could point. I love reading your blog! And even the "crappy" posts help me realize that I don't have to have everything together because that is not what matters!

Annie said...

You're not alone! Every mom has those same feelings - inadequacy. I think it comes with the territory. I've been praying lately to do my very best, follow the Spirit, and then feel at peace with my efforts knowing I've done my very best. That peace is slowly coming.

As far as his speech, don't you EVEN worry about it. I majored in Speech-Language Pathology, and if there is one thing I learned it's that EVERY kid works at their OWN pace. Now, if LBJ turns 2 and still isn't gesturing or saying any words, then you can start worrying. But Eli's speech is EXACTLY the same as his right now...he loves to talk to himself, doesn't repeat sounds well, and says "mama" when he's crying. Serious. And he probably stops talking because he is listening to your sounds and like to hear you talk. So keep talking! It's the best thing you can do. As far as those kids saying words at 8 months - that's just WEIRD. Super un-normal. Your kid is not developmentally delayed, promise! :)

I really don't mean to sound like a know-it-all, so I'm sorry if that is how it comes across! I'm just trying to let you know that you're doing a great job! And not to worry!

Tell Nathan I'm so sorry about his back! Yikes. Talon has back issues like that every once in a while - they're terrible!

St. Julien's said...

NIKI!! Girl come over to my house if you need to feel better about yourself. There are always stinky towels laying around somewhere, not to mention other nasty things. Try not to compare what your baby does w others his age even tho its hard. STOP reading those books, you got everything you need to be the mom you need to be to lbj. thats why he is your baby, listen to the little voice in your heart/head:)

NateDee said...

I just wanted to say that all these people commenting here are SO right. My Nikki is the most fabulous and caring wife and mommy. She keeps our house going most of the time in spite of my best efforts to spread disaster in my wake. :) For instance, for the past 4 or 5 days I have been totally out of commission due to a back injury. Nikki has had had to take care of the baby ALL the time as I can't even so much as bend down to pick him up. In addition, she is, as usual, keeping the house in order as I can't even do what little I was able to before. Basically, I am totally useless. A big fatty mess making lump on the couch. Not one complaint from Nikki. I love you Nikki. I couldn't ask for a better wifey and the Jack Hammer def could not get a better Mommy. We both love you.

Nikki Dee...you're my hero. That's from a movie. If you guess which one, dinner is on me tonight. :)

Katy. said...

I'm late with this, as usual. But I have to tell you, YOU ARE AMAZING! we all have these moments, Im not even a mom and I feel like an inadequate mom already because I am putting off marriage and kids for a career! how does that makes sense? it doesnt. I feel inadequate to my unborn, unfertilized eggs? but alas, it happens. YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER. LBJ is happy, healthy, SMART, growing, and safe. My friend claires son will be 2 and june and all he can say is "no". Boys in general take a little longer. You arent superwoman, you cant cut yourself up into 4 different nicole's, and until they find a way to do that, you are doing the absolute best job ever!
xoxoxoxoxo

DeeBoyzMomma said...

Ferris Bueller Nathan. Take the girl out to dinner! :)

I won't spend a lot of time reiterating what everyone else said (and, you ALREADY know). You are fabulous. Couldn't be more amazing. On all counts. You've even got a nephew in AZ who talks about you all the time when you are gone. Not an easy thing to accomplish with a 7 year old. Usually, it's out of sight out of mind. He's a pretty great 7 year old too, so you should be proud. People who live down the street don't even get that much attention! Haha.

Also, it took Obi almost a year to smile. No joke. Not even a little smile. I def started to get a complex and was starting to worry that I had a perma grouch on my hands. BUT, look at him now. The kid won't stop smiling and trying to make other people smile. Jack Jack is so perfect. He's coming into his own in his own way and on his own, independent time. You wouldn't want it any other way.
Love you sis.

The Burtons said...

As a mom of three, I hear ya! I don't know how some mom's seem to do it all when I can barely keep up with the basics. If you have week old dirty towells on the floor that you notice while you're PLAYING with your kid, you're doing something RIGHT, not WRONG. Keep your chin up, we ALL feel that way.